I have been away from the blog for a couple of weeks but now I am back.
Over the last couple of weeks, I was not in the best place mentally. I was not well. I could feel myself, falling into a downward spiral of instability and dysfunction. To be quite honest I did something that as I look back on was so detrimental to myself and my health. I am just glad that I was able to take control of the situation and get back on track. About a month or so ago I made the wise decision to stop taking my medication. I use the word wise in the most sarcastic way possible. At the time, I thought that this was the right thing to do. I thought that I would be good. I thought that I would be fine, and still feel happy, content, and stable without the medication. I was wrong.
What I did not realize in the moment that I made that decision, was that the medication was doing what it was supposed to do for me. It was supposed to make me feel content, stable, and leveled out. As soon as the medication, started to leave my body I could feel the level of tension rise, my patience run paper thin, and my irritation go from 0 to 60 in 10 seconds flat. I slowly fell into a pit that was filled with anger, shame, and thea flurry of symptoms that my bipolar disorder would quickly remind me of.
I’m glad that this happened. This needed to happen.
I had to see for myself, how important my medication is for me and how it helps me so very much. I had to see the contrast in my behavior when I am on medication, and when I am not on medication. I needed to know that I can recognize when I am in a mental health crisis and when I need to reach out for help. This was a necessary detour on my mental health recovery journey so that I could gain just a bit more information about myself and how my condition affects me.
For weeks, I was conflicted on whether or not I would mention this happening. But I decided to speak about it for several reasons: 1) I needed to be honest with myself and my mental health care providers, 2) I had accept the fact that I do take medication, and it has helped achieve many of my goals and move towards the life that I want and deserve, and 3) I know that I am not alone in this situation.
I try to take away something from every situation that I find myself in and this one is no different.
Here is the bottom line for me: There is nothing wrong with taking medication. My brain is an organ that needs help and my medication does exactly that. I have also learned that I cannot be so hard on myself when I make a mistake. I am in control, and I can also prevent myself from making a downward spiral.