when I was in and out of mania and my anxiety was at it highest, my coping skills were not the best. I actually did not have any coping skills. I just existed. I coasted through life without much of a plan and just dealt with things and my illness as they happened. Not a great way to deal with a serious and chronic illness. During my mania, I picked up a bit of an addiction. It was a shopping addiction. I spent thousand. I spent hundreds of thousands. I was ashamed to admit this to myself, moreless admit this to anyone else. That part of my life was like a fog. I lived in a fog for years, I was just barely functioning. I bought all kinds of things. The things I bought were band-aids for the emotional pain, mental pain and trauma that I was feeling.
I rationalized every purchase that I made by telling myself that I deserved it.
No matter how big or small, no matter how absurd or ridiculous. Even when I didn’t really need, want or love the item that I was buying. It was filling a void and feeding my addiction. I was literally addicted to the feeling of going into a store, and making a purchase. When I left out of the store, I felt the need to start over and do it all over again.
I never felt the need to tell myself no.
No is a full sentence and creates boundaries. It is okay to say no even to yourself! When I started becoming more aware and in touch with myself I realized the importance of creating boundaries with myself. What I realized was this. Saying no to myself was the greatest act of self-love that I could have shown myself, especially in the midst of great self destruction.
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