For years I was approached by strangers, family, and friends asking why I always looked so “mean”. I was always puzzled by this question because time and time again my answer would be the same. “This is my face. This is just how I look.” That was the very abridged answer to their question of course. I could never ever in a million years give the long and expanded version. The truth of the matter was that I was not being mean or trying to be anyway. The truth was this. My anxiety was having a field day with my mind. I was so consumed with the thoughts in my head. I was focused on what people were thinking about me. What were they saying about me, did I look ok, was my hair and clothes okay, and I wanted to make sure that I had my thoughts fully thought out before I dare uttered a word out loud. I did not want to appear foolish or stupid to the people around me.
It really is true, when they say that you can never judge a book by its cover. When people would see me, they thought resting bitch face. But what was actually going on was mental chaos. And lots of it. My mind was filled with chaos. My thoughts were like a rollercoaster and my concentration was non-existent. This went on for years before I finally decided to seek treatment. It was not an easy situation.
I am, however, grateful that I have had the opportunity to work through my mental chaos, so I am not consumed by the thoughts and actions of others. It was literally wreaking on my peace of mind. That is not a good place to be in when you are managing a mental health disorder.