The ups and downs of dealing with a mental illness can be like riding on a roller coaster.
The highs and lows can be very unpredictable. In the years before I was diagnosed, I had done some things that I was not proud of. I would beat myself up and then never “let it go” or forgive myself for what I had done. This alone was exhausting to me. During a bout of mania that I had, I spent over $200k. Yes, that’s right, $200k. Once the mental fog had subsided and I realized what I had actually done, I was so mortified. I would take it a step further and say that I was disgusted with myself. How could I squander away so much money and not even realize what I had spent most of the money on.
Giving myself the benefit of the doubt was something that I had never been accustomed to doing.
But when I looked at my situation more closely I had to show myself a little more compassion than I had done over the years. I was a 24 year old young parent, who had just lost her parent and caregiver. I found myself in a very traumatic situation and had not dealt with my grief and loss at all. To some on the outside, it looked like I was just out of control, but as I looked at my situation more and more there were definitely some signs that I needed help.
For the longest time,
I was unable to forgive myself and show myself any compassion because of the things that I had done. The money was the largest one for me. Little did I know that carrying around all of this frustration and anger with myself over this money that was long gone was not going to help me. In fact it was going to be a large hindrance to me. It was. I had to let go. Letting go would be one of the steps that would lead me into the direction of awareness and recovery. It took a long time. When I say a long time, I mean a really long time, but I was able to let go of it and forgive myself. I also take this experience as something that I can learn from and what’s better than that.